I wish I could paint the sky with my thoughts

So you could see how much I think about you.

Going to try this new thing called discretion

For example: STOP RUINING GOOD THINGS

Also, care more

And follow advice more

And be less of an idiot

And most important: don’t let a 10 go over something you drunk thought halfway into the first 40.

Sarpanitum’s New Album Kills

All of the influences ever happen during this record’s 40+ minute runtime.

It’s like Morbid Angel and Immolation went out on a bend for a cool ass minute and ended up hooking up with Emperor and possibly some Greek chicks and WHAT IS THIS SPACE SOLO.

The impressive part about how it all comes together is the production value. One of metal’s biggest challenges is getting the sound right. Any number of things can make your work sound powerless, out of sync, or any other number of nightmares you can pick up and listen to yourself today. On this record, each song has a gravitational pull that keeps every piece together: Mithras’s majestic melodies atop washes of synths inspired by your Gehennas and Kvists, pounding drumming courtesy of Leon Macey, hints of Suffocation and your favorite early 2000s tech death, it’s all here and it sounds MASSIVE

We need a Leon/Commando Sandoval typewriter drum-off in the future.

My Favorite 2014 Records

It’s that time of the year folks.

I’m coming out of my indica-induced hiatus to give you a list of records I thoroughly got down to this year. An interesting year for me musically, as most of my energy was dedicated to exploring the style of music that best represents me: extreme metal. I listened to over 250 extreme metal releases this year, which ranged from Same Old Story to potential Future of Extreme Metal. Because of my narrow focus, I missed out on boatloads of releases from all my favorite styles of music, though I still found plenty of great stuff from other areas of the musical world.

Apparently I missed this doom explosion. But that’s okay. I’m not a huge doom guy and a good chunk of that stuff actually kinda sucked. But me and my dragon chasing ass will digress for now.

My rating system follows Rate Your Music’s 5 star system. A 5.0 is considered a classic, while you’d do well to avoid polluting your ears with any release ranked an 0.5 (for example, any Dream Theater record). All releases on this list are rated at 4.0 stars or above. All the words I type underneath the albums are bullshit, just listen to the records because they are good. I do talk some good shit there though and for once in my garbage life I will write interesting things. I doubt it, but I tried. I’m also cross faded.

1. Drowned – Idola Specus

Death Metal // Sepulchral Voice Records // Rating: 5.0

Idola Specus artwork

It is beyond me how this record flew past everyone’s radar. Full disclosure, I’m a HUGE Drowned fanboy, I’ve fadded over their demo output for close to a decade, an extreme metal hunter’s dream band. They had only ever released cassettes and CD-Rs until 2006’s impressive Viscerra Terrae EP. Since then, those of us in the know have patiently waited for this band’s long-awaited debut record. Sepulchral Voice, one of Germany’s leading metal record labels, graced us with one of the finest death metal recordings of the past 15 years.

Make no bones about it. This album is the second coming of Demigod’s classic 1993 opus, Slumber of Sullen Eyes. This is Incantation’s death/doom style taken to its progressive limit. This is an album that shows you exactly what perfectly timed transitions and breakdowns can do for your music. No abrupt breaks like metalcore and deathcore are fond of. No sloppy thrash breaks coming out of nowhere, everything is timed perfectly and fits the way it should. No riff is wasted, everything is either ridden to its limit or used as an accent for the suffocating, aquatic backdrop that the band seems to be adept at creating. It’s not just the name, they have always had a domineering quality that isn’t quite obvious at first, but once these guys start showing you their guitar mastery, it sucks you in.

Black Projection is THE example on how to perform death metal music in 2014. Its many twists and turns serve to keep listeners intelligently engaged in the darkness of their sonic caves. This comes with my highest recommendation, an album with very few peers in a genre full of talented individuals and amazing full-length recordings.

2. Dead Congregation – Promulgation of the Fall

Death Metal // Profound Lore Records // Rating: 5.0

Promulgation of the Fall artwork

Then you have Dead Congregation. If you’ve been around since 2008, you no doubt heard these Greeks debut with the excellent Graves of the Archangels. It took them awhile to return, but the wait was more than worth it. While their styles differ, both Drowned and Dead Congregation excel in the songwriting process. Taking the base Incantation sound and expanding it into a technical, progressive masterpiece, these Hellenic warriors take no prisoners with their powerful and precise metallic attack.

If Drowned’s song showed you what a song should be like in these times, Promulgation’s triple-headed beast to open the record shows you exactly how to blast people’s faces in for the first 15 minutes. As I stated on my RYM review of this album, their transition game is second to none. Put them on a basketball court and they might change the NBA logo to feature these dudes with the rock. Nigredo offers the most complete display of technical mastery, a track that weaves between absurd fury and crushingly low tempos.

In a year stocked full of strong death metal releases, that these two and our following entry stand tall is testament to the health and future of the death metal genre.

3. Emptiness – Nothing But the Whole

Death/Black Metal // Dark Descent Records // Rating: 5.0

Nothing But the Whole artwork

2014 was not a very kind year to me, for the most part. Events in my personal life affected me more than I could have ever imagined, leaving me in a weakened emotional state and very vulnerable to the horrors of the world, which I no doubt took part in.

Enter this album.

Featuring two members of long-running and blah as fuck Belgian outfit Enthroned, Emptiness begins as further removed from that band as possible and just drifts out from there. This is a helluva record folks. Don’t ever think nobody understands how you feel. This album is proof of that. It is every negative emotion my body and mind were able to conjure up, which was extracted then committed to wax. Rarely straying from the lower-on-the-BPM-meter downtempo/uptempo range, Emptiness expertly weaves together the darkness of black and death metal with the aura of shoegaze and gothic rock.

It’s like taking pure DXM capsules and downing them with a giant glass of vodka. You are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. You exist on multiple levels, and each one of you wonders “why the fuck do I exist anyway?”. You feel as though the person who is feeling the way this record sounds is on the verge of doing something that will affect many lives. That’s how significant this album SOUNDS. This doesn’t even describe the excellent guitar work and genuinely deranged drumming that sounds a few ticks off compared to just about anything else you’ve heard.

This is one to experience in any way you see fit. Total self-exploration. Total self-immolation.

4. Noisia – Purpose

Neurofunk // Vision Recordings // Rating: 5.0

Purpose artwork

I can’t believe I’m going to admit to this in print.

But here it goes.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the 2014 Dallas Cowboys.

I KNOW. I KNOW. THIS GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER STOOD FOR. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW OR WHY I CONTINUE TO HIT KEYS ON THIS PLATE OF LETTERS.

Here’s the thing though. You kinda always watch the Cowboys if you’re an NFL fan. You kinda always watch Noisia if you’re a drum and bass fan. You just do these things. I love Noisia but they haven’t been too great for a few years. It’s been a trudge since Split the Atom, and while Could This Be is my anthem and the equivalent of drafting Dez Fucking Bryant, it’s been 3 straight 8-8 seasons from the Groningen trio. Some brilliant moments, but not playoff material.

Holy shit 2014. Long Gone sounds like Distance from 2005’s Monster EP. Oh Oh and Asteroids are the type of bangers only Noisia could deliver. They continue to deliver the type of shit you expect from Noisia, much like DeMarco Murray is taking up the Cowboys mantle and delivering. Dude broke his hand not too long ago and he’s about to be a playoff workhorse.

I fear for our football asses. The Cowboys have the ability to win the Super Bowl this year.

5. Thine – The Dead City Blueprint

Progressive Metal // Peaceville Records // Rating: 4.5

Dead City Blueprint artwork

Sometime in 2007, a good internet friend of mine recommended me Thine’s second album, the magnificiently dreary In Therapy. Over the years, In Therapy has become one of my favorite records, the British cousin to Katatonia’s brilliant Tonight’s Decision. However, the album was released 12 years ago, so it had been a cool minute since Thine’s name came up anywhere.

Until the surprise media PR blitz to promote their return! I was stoked beyond words when I heard this was coming, and to my surprise, The Dead City Blueprint exceeded my expectations. I’ve coined the term “progressive gothic” to describe this band’s sound; along with Katatonia and the Peaceville Three I feel like this is the perfect term to describe all these bands and the way they approach their light metal stylings.

The joy of this record comes from the beautiful shadowplay between the lovely backing band and Alan Gaunt’s haunting vocal melodies. Very reminiscent of Fates Warning with a Peaceville gloss, Thine gracefully floats between ethereal sections and energetic choruses to deliver a live-friendly experience, while still giving you excellent musicianship and songwriting prowess. The album’s middle section of To the Precipice/Dead City Blueprint/The Great Unknown showcases the entirety of Thine’s catchy-yet-inspired stylings, with the front end giving you the energy and the back end expanding on the proggy material that has been ever-present since Thine’s debut record A Town Like This.

For all the times I’ve made fun of Dream Theater, please accept this album as my apology for fucking with you. You can hear that band’s influence here, but in a much darker, elegant form. It kills, basically.

6. Midnight – No Mercy for Mayhem

Black Heavy Metal // Hell’s Headbangers Records // Rating: 4.5

No Mercy for Mayhem artwork

I love you AC/DC, but you fuckin bogans are old and tired now. I declare we replace your Dundee asses with these crazy bastards from Ohio who sound like the unholy bastard of Iron Maiden and recent Darkthrone.

If it wasn’t such schlocky Church of Satan shit we’d be hearing Satanic Royalty anthem You Can’t Stop Steel at Steeler/Raven games, possibly as soon as the playoff game this weekend. Midnight are FUCKING GOOD ESE status and even though they have like 4 songs they repeat over and over again it really doesn’t matter because there is literally N O B O D Y that sounds like these guys, and if they do, they aren’t on Midnight’s Dick Level.

They were nobody for 10 years, and now it feels like they’re about to make a New Orleans Saints run to the mainstream metal title. Fuck off Ghost B.C. Bring back Repugnant and put your weak ass Facebook buttsex rock in mothballs. We need some real ass shit in the KimYe Era and it’s Midnight and Repugnant that will fix all of this.

IGGY AZALEA IS WHITE AND HAS FAKE EVERYTHING PLEASE LISTEN TO MIDNIGHT GOOD FUCKING LORD

7. Hades Archer & Slaughtbbath – Circus of Abominations/Antichristos Thanatos

Black/Death Metal // Iron Bonehead Productions // Rating: 4.0

Split LP artwork

I wrote a blog post extolling the virtues of Chilean metal, and with good reason. This is one of two metal records from that wonderful Latin American nation (que hubo papa!) on this list, and it delivers the type of hateful blackened thrash metal you’ve been craving.

Granted, black thrash is commonplace in today’s metal world. What makes this so special?

It’s the personality behind the music. Hades Archer should be considered one of the best bands in heavy metal music today. Ever since their Penis Metal EP, and their incredible debut record For the Diabolical Ages, Hades Archer has been ON FIRE. Raw and dirty black thrash heavily influenced by Blasphemy, war metal, and South America’s legendary extreme metal scene, this is the best band you will hear from that end of the metal pool. Slaughtbbath comes into their own as THE black/death/thrash hybrid to take Deströyer 666’s throne. This split LP represents a new pinnacle for a proud nation’s metal history. From Tom Araya to Pentagram to Sadism to Hades Archer and Slaughtbbath. It’s fantastic. And yes, the name Penis Metal is amazing.

For this reviewer, Slaughtbbath did yeoman’s work here. The amount of venom flowing from your speakers will overwhelm you, while the Spanish lyrics to the amazing Mortal Paradigm put an exclamation point on one of the year’s rawest, most entertaining underground records.

Get on both of these bands. Teutonic thrash fans, Aura Noir fans, and fans of bands like Morbid Saint and Demolition Hammer will absolutely LOVE this split. If you don’t like Satan you secretly really love this shit, you dirty slut you.

8. Krieg – Transient

Black Metal // Candlelight Records // Rating: 4.0

Transient artwork

Krieg is an institution to US black metal fans. For most of us who embraced the much-maligned USBM scene of the early-mid 2000s, it’s an honor to be here.

Neill Jameson has made public all the shit he’s had to deal with, so we won’t get into it here. What we will get into is the culmination of years of work and sweat and blood and tears. Transient sounds like Krieg at their peak. This is Krieg’s age-27 season, a breakout in which any opinion about their shortcomings or strengths is silenced by the beauty and force in which these songs are delivered. There is a little bit of everything here, a smorgasbord of black metal styles that will please everyone. There’s traditional USBM. There’s the post-punk influenced stuff like Walk With Them Unnoticed. Winter is a blackened sludge number with the tribal drumming and the fierce and hoarse vocal stylings. The Blood Axis-like experiment called Home.

Anyone who has ever complained about the content behind any Krieg release can rest easy. This is the most varied, most thoroughly written, best album Neill Imperial has ever put together. As a long time fan, it is a real treat to say a Top 10 ranking is more than deserved for such a long-running, well-respected band.

9. At the Gates – At War With Reality

Melodic Death Metal // Century Media Records // Rating: 4.0

At War With Reality artwork

I’m sure you’re tired of this album getting hyped.

Too fucking bad.

You need to understand something. Whether you liked Slaughter of the Soul or not, that was a landmark album. The thing is, it wasn’t a landmark record because it came out of nowhere. At the Gates had been that amazing since their Grotesque days, so it was only proper for them to remind us what they are capable of.

This is some Jerry Rice shit.

This is Frieza only using 1% of his power.

Death and the Labyrinth and the title track are a fusion of the driving SotS riffs and Terminal Spirit’s anger, and it doesn’t stop there. This is the album’s trick to having such a presence: it’s the perfect combination of just about all of At the Gates’s styles. You even get a bit of With Fear I Kiss the Burning Darkness and Red in the Sky is Ours in later tunes. This is similar to Carcass’s approach on last year’s Surgical Steel, which was just as well received. It may be a conservative play, but we’ve seen way too many failures to fault these guys for going the safe route.

It’s not quite Autopsy’s return to the fold, but it’s up there as one of the best returns in heavy metal.

BTW this album lifted its production job straight from Insomnium’s record and fucked them over. Everyone loved the new Insomnium until this blew it out the stadium ala Oregon beating down Florida State yesterday.

10. Surveillance – Oceania

Electro-Industrial // Self-Financed // Rating: 4.0

Oceania artwork

Tom Shear is a legend in EBM. That much is known and true. Assemblage 23 has released some of the genre’s most powerful and poignant records around. However, as a longtime fan, I believe Oceania stands tall as one of Tom’s greatest releases, a throwback to the angry early 90s, where no one was satisfied and wanted a new day to dawn.

This is Surveillance’s greatest strength. There is a new generation of men and women who feel as disenfranchised, angry, and ready to make change. This channels that old spirit and makes it relevant to today’s world of anonymity and magnanimity.

AKA FUCK YOU I KNOW YOU ARE WATCHING ME AT ALL TIMES AND YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK STEP ON MY PROPERTY AND YOU ARE DEAD

So now that you understand this, you get why I love this record. Tom is saying exactly what I would think and say based on the types of things he talks about. Being watched by a piece of trash government. Being used as a pawn. Brainwashed by media and talked down to by leadership. This is relevant to us and amazing to the ears of us industrial fans who just wanna get down every once in awhile before going back to our boring jobs and the stupid people we deal with.

IT ISN’T HARD TO USE A PRICE SCANNER FOLKS.

11. Blut aus Nord – Memoria Vetusta III: Saturnian Poetry

Ambient Black Metal // Debemur Morti // Rating: 4.0

Memoria Vetusta III artwork

Black metal Blut aus Nord with real drums and more traditional structures. It’s as amazing as it sounds. Blut aus Nord prove, once again, that they are without peer in the metal world. As stated, this is a much more subdued record, playing it safe and being THE atmospheric black metal record your bitch ass needed. The Memoria Vetustas are getting more straightforward with their intent. Cold riffs, expansive atmospheres, and tight, impressive drumming. This is what you ask for when you listen to a traditional black metal record. Blut aus Nord show you how to do it. There is value in sticking to the basics at times, and for a band as out there and adventurous as this, for them to sit there and play you a by-the-numbers-but-still-incredible black metal record speaks volumes.

We don’t have to reinvent the wheel all the time, a sort of wake-up call to the rest of the black metal scene. Be good at what you do and you can release an album as good as this. Good fucking luck.

12. Gridlink – Longhena

Grindcore // Selfmadegod Records // Rating: 4.0

Longhena artwork

I love Gridlink because they sound like Nasum if Nasum went to hell and got tortured for 10 million years.

This is their final album.

It sounds like their first two albums.

Get your ass kicked by it.

13. Sam Smith – In the Lonely Hour

Pop/R&B/UK Bass // Capitol Records // Rating: 4.0

In the Lonely Hour artwork

This is the dude that sang the chorus to Latch.

Now that you know that, realize this guy knows what he’s doing. He has a distinct, expressive voice. He’s got a good ear for beats and good producers. He understands rhythm and how to control it with drums and vocal melodies. He speaks real shit.

That’s all you need. This guy is great. Sometimes music is this simple. He’s got some awesome singles, awesome songs that aren’t well known, and he uses his country’s now-famous UK Bass scene to expand on the usual pop and R&B tunes you hear.

Money On My Mind motherfuckers. 2015. We doing it for the love.

This album is #13 for a reason. Real will listen to real.

14. Thantifaxath – Sacred White Noise

Black Metal // Dark Descent Records // Rating: 4.0

Sacred White Noise artwork

Normally, Dark Descent Records releases death metal of all shapes and sizes. Thantifaxath was a pleasant surprise because of this, and unsurprisingly, it’s a fantastic record and everyone loves it. Including me.

You know that thing Deathspell Omega tries to do where their songs are supposed to sound like a downward spiral and they do these cool “Orthodox black metal” guitar tricks?

This is what happens when someone good does it.

That’s not to say DSO isn’t good. But they don’t really get the job done unless it’s their shit up to 2004.

I don’t know why I’m doing these multiple-space reviews now, but I need you to understand something. Thantifaxath is a different animal. It’s a spiral alright, but it doesn’t have any particular direction. These riffs are disorienting. This is your idea of black metal stretched out in many different poses, dark yoga for your broken soul. It’s what Orthodox black metal wants to do, it wants you to feel like it’s this menacing, evil threat.

It doesn’t compare. Using similar aesthetics, Sacred White Noise is able to touch the emotional side of life with its true-to-life progressions. This is something that has been a constant in 2014, bands have become savvy to how songwriting affects the mood of a metal record. Thantifaxath is masterful at this, a shimmering lake of gray and black ideas put to music. Dramatic and slightly silly, but tell me the last two songs aren’t just that?!

Impressive debut. The black metal Portal, as far as I’m concerned.

15. Have a Nice Life – The Unnatural World

Post-Punk/Shoegaze // Enemies List Recordings // Rating: 4.0

The Unnatural World artwork

They’ve been doing this for awhile. They won’t ever match Deathconsciousness but they don’t really need to. Dan Barrett and company can just keep churning out different sounding lo-fi shoegazy post-punk and win. This record is a combination of new ideas and demos that have been floating around for years. Cool. Do more of this.

Have a Nice Life have found a niche nobody can exploit. Because nobody will be able to match what they do. Shoegaze and old school indie sucks in 2014, but not these guys.

16. Insomnium – Shadows of the Dying Sun

Melodic Death Metal // Century Media Records // Rating: 4.0

Shadows of the Dying Sun artwork

Like I said before, these dudes got hosed. Listen to this and the production job, then listen to At the Gates and that production. Yikes Century Media.

The good thing is that this record still owns but not in the way you’d think. This is some engrossing material, a cinematic experience that Dark Lunacy wishes they would have come up with. It is my opinion that this record is one of the best in the style in ages, topping this band’s own back catalog and cementing itself as an atmospheric metal masterpiece.

Melancholy is a word thrown around by me and other metal fans a lot, but boy, it applies here best and then some. Sad doesn’t even begin to describe the songs here, equal parts melodeath pedal pushing and expansive choruses and verse sections. This record feels like an entire experience, 24 hours of emotion packed into an album full of heartfelt music.

Insomnium has made a name making music like that, but to me, this is their best effort yet. Congratulations boys, you did some strong work in 2014.

17. A Pregnant Light – Before I Came

Post-Black Metal // Colloquial Sound Recordings // Rating: 4.0

Before I Came artwork

What’s probably the most unique metal record on this list, I don’t know quite what to make of A Pregnant Light. You will see it labeled as a black metal/post-punk hybrid, but I don’t think that covers the whole package. There’s a lot of Ved Buens Ende here, off-kilter waves of black metal energy fusing with post-punk and post-hardcore.

We’re at that point in heavy music where anything is game. We used to say “post-anything is stupid”, but our reality is that all music is available and ready to mingle, much like our dating scene. A Pregnant Light sounds like a lot of things and nothing at all just the same. I hear some late 90s screamo in there. I hear the guitar and drum part of Arcturus and Solefald in there. Did these guys listen to a lot of Bone Awl and wanted to expand on that? I have no fucking clue.

I’ve recommended this band and Colloquial Sound Recordings to a bunch of folks. I’ve gotten mixed reviews across the board. That tells me that all the experimentation with black metal has been worth everything. The variety in metal today is such that anyone can find something to enjoy without compromising the spirit of heavy metal music. Wasn’t that the point of metal in the first place? Another thing for people to enjoy that isn’t the same crap over and over?

As much as I love death metal and black metal and deathrash and keeping it traditional, it’s bands like A Pregnant Light that make me spend months finding the very best in The Music. I live for this shit motherfuckers. I should get paid for talking all this nonsense but all I want is the fresh V0 MP3s of your new shit. If you’re good show me what’s up. Cuz these dudes did. I’ll give them some money. You should too.

Metal will always grow and change. If you find something new you like, support it to the death.

18. Sadism – The Ocularis Domination

Death Metal // Australis Records // Rating: 4.0

The Ocularis Domination artwork

Listen to Tribulated Bells. It’s a classic late-80s/early 90s death metal record that sounds like vomited zombie entrails turned into the Cacodaemon (a good band pre-Lantern btw). Sadism is part of the beauty of old school death metal. There was so much good shit out there it couldn’t all get attention and be popular and be The  Best in the Underground like Entombed was in 1990. The Attitude Era with Stone Cold and The Rock and Triple H and Jericho and Angle and shit, all that didn’t have the depth death metal did around the time Tribulated Bells dropped.

So why should you care about Sadism now?

Because they’ve always been a great death metal band. They did the deathrash thing perfectly, their demos among some of the best. Like many South American DM bands, their sound became modern and Morbid Angel-influenced, vicious and angry. All of this becomes apparent on this record. It’s technical and brutal, but energetic and inventive, a perfect mix of their early days and the power and professional work later in their career. After a 12 year hiatus, this is the type of album you should ask from a band. Learn from your mistakes and improve.

They don’t ever do the same shit over and over. They shift tempos from the tribal and doomy to some nice blast beat sections that are both Sandoval and Smith. Melodic but powerful riffing that glides gracefully from altered measure to broken measure, song by twisted song.

Kinda sounds like the soundtrack to a Predator movie.

19. Little Dragon – Nabuma Rubberband

Synth Pop // Republic Records // Rating: 4.0

Nabuma Rubberband artwork

Pretty girl singing to fucked up beats.

Leave me and my soft ass alone.

20. Young and In the Way – When Life Comes to Death

Black Metal // Deathwish Records // Rating: 4.0

When Life Comes to Death artwork

This is more like it. This shit is fucked up. This is what it sounds like when I don’t smoke the entirety of Humboldt’s marijuana in a day. I don’t live in Humboldt. Yes I have problems and believe me, the beer is worse.

But I can still fuck good and I’m okay with my dick size, and this is basically the attitude this album has.

We like drugs and fucking nasty women and we will eventually commit some sort of grisly crime or suicide and you will REVERE US for our LARGE PENISES and FUCK YOU and  BLOODY PUSSIES and ONLY DEATH IS REAL and no dude seriously this is like if Maniac Butcher and Hellhammer ever had a jam session with Neill from Krieg on vocals or someone equally alcoholically or medically disturbed.

I don’t know dude I just like filthy black metal. Have sex with me girl I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS.

21. Master’s Hammer – Vagus Vetus

Black Metal // Jihosound Records // Rating: 4.0

Vagus Vetus artwork

I like this album. I am a huge Master’s Hammer fanboy and this is my blog and fuck you. It sounds like a modern Jilemnice Occultist.

Which is better than the sound my cat makes when she feels ignored and neglected by me. Good lord if it’s not the cutest yet most annoying sound ever invented by whatever piece of shit deity exists. Have you realized how fucked up said deity is saddling us with cats? I love cats, but I shouldn’t LOVE cats. They’re bastards. Our lovable furry bastard overlords.

I claim to be all about personal freedom but I gave that shit up the moment I brought Luna home.

22. Morbus Chron – Sweven

Progressive Death Metal // Century Media Records // Rating: 4.0

Sweven artwork

Don’t ever be something you’re not.

If you’re weird and you know it release an album called Sweven.

What the fuck? This sounds like what my non-ex girlfriend dreams look like. Do you know how horrifying that is?! ONE TIME I GOT SHOT IN THE BACK ON THE STEPS TO MY GODMOTHER’S HOUSE 3 TIMES AND 3 WEEKS LATER YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT TYPE OF WOMAN WOULD DO WHAT TYPE OF THING TO YOURS TRULY.

AND THAT’S ONLY 1% OF THIS ALBUM’S POWER

Fuck I really need to watch more animes.

23. Vampire – Vampire

Death Metal // Century Media Records // Rating: 4.0

Vampire artwork

Pestilence died after Consuming Impulse. This isn’t up for debate.

Excoriate – On Pestilent Winds is the 3rd Pestilence album.

Vampire – Vampire is the 4th Pestilence album.

This is like us Saints fans forgetting about the Billy Joe era.

24. Lethe – When Dreams Become Nightmares

Trip-Hop // Debemur Morti // Rating: 4.0

When Dreams Become Nightmares artwork

A dude from Manes and a chick from Eluvetie making electronic musical sexy times. I’m fond of Scandinavian weird electronic trip-hop shit. I grew up listening to Ulver, so this is almost as good as seeing Jennifer Lawrence naked.

I’m part of the problem and I don’t give a fuck. The good thing is that I give you good music in return.

25. Triptykon – Melana Chasmata

Doom Metal // Century Media Records // Rating: 4.0

Melana Chasmata artwork

My final entry is reserved for The Jade Serpent on the Jewel Throne, The Man In the Circle of the Tyrants, the Cherry Orchards himself, Tom Warrior. Goddamnit I love this guy. He’s such an idiot. This is like if Jim Caldwell did the Potara earrings fusion with Lemmy Kilmister + Grumpy Cat.

Did you see him go nuts on At the Gates?

Dude I don’t care if they’re pricks you’re Shawn Fucking Michaels.

You can literally send At the Gates to WCW and have their career ended by Goldberg via sloppy kick to the head.

YOU PUT OUT A BADASS DOOM RECORD THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE JULIETTE LEWIS DOING SAINT VITUS COVERS. FUCK YOU PALLBEARER YOU SOUND WORSE THAN NATRAMM’S ASS LOOKS.

I would rather fluff for Peter North than listen to that Pallbearer record again. It’s The Sword II: Duller Than Ever.

Though to be fair you aren’t as bad as the entirety of Vinnie Paul’s career. So there.

Welcome to 2015 you punk bitches. Play good metal or I will compare you to Vinnie’s 80s-rhinestone manthong. You have been warned.

Follow this stupid idiot on Twitter @Delibirdation. I will be making fun of Kanye West outfits.

Antropomorphia Returns!

Here’s a preview. Yes, the song title is ridiculous, but it’s good anyway. It’s a huge step up from their comeback record of two years ago. They streamlined their sound and removed much of the inconsistent songwriting that plagued that 2012 disc. A good one for those who loved their early 90s shit, and old school death metal fans in general.

My Life in Two Panels

Baseball’s 27 Club – Hitters

If you watch baseball long enough, you’ll hear the adage of the Age-27 season. This rule of thumb says that players usually figure things out at the Major league level during this Age-27 season. It sounds anecdotal, but it has plenty of merit, as most athletes reach their physical prime around this age to go along with enough experience of being a professional athlete.  This quick post looks at five players currently going through that Age-27 breakout. All these players are experiencing a significant boost in their offensive performance. And, if you notice, their respective teams are all in the upper half of the Majors when it comes to their W-L record.

 

Stats for the dudes I'm talking about

Michael Brantley has been around for quite some time, a well-regarded prospect called up at 22 and given regularly playing time since. This year, he’s finally become the force Cleveland hoped he would be, a testament to his hard work and improving batting eye. His OPS has climbed from last year’s .728 to an impressive .877, most welcome for an Indians squad that has struggled to find quality OF hitting the past few years. He’s on pace to blow past his career highs for walks, runs, and RBI, and has already equaled his career-best 10 homers. He is a big reason why Cleveland has suddenly turned it on after a rough April.
In about the same amount of PAs, he’s matched or surpassed last year’s production in all the major number categories while being an above-average run producer. A big part of this early-season breakout came during his torrid April, where he posted an absurd 1.034 OPS. But, as his Colorado Rockies have cooled, so has he, as he is not having as much success so far in June.Charlie Blackmon is the inspiration for this post. Considered a fringe prospect for years, Blackmon has gradually found a role within the Rockies’ crowded outfield. He’s an almost-everyday player , taking over in RF due to Michael Cuddyer’s health issues, though manager Walt Weiss regularly sits him and his poor .627 OPS against left-handed starters.

Brandon Crawford and Brian Dozier are valued more for their defensive capabilities, but their strides at the plate has made them into valuable pieces for their respective clubs. Crawford’s improved patience at the plate has seen him draw more walks and raise his extra-base production, putting him in line for career years. Dozier has been loving Target Field (.914 OPS), but his biggest improvement is in his ability to get on base and taking extra bases, as he’s matched or is on his way to besting his walk totals, stolen bases, and showing some valuable pop. Playing SS and 2B respectively, their improved plate discipline has made these two into commodities that any team would covet, regardless of their .245ish batting averages.

Finally, there’s Evan Gattis. He was one of the league’s biggest finds last season, taking a long and strange road to get to the show. His clutch heroics and massive power endeared him to Atlanta fans immediately, which prompted the Braves to open up a starting spot at catcher for him. Excellent move, as he’s gone on to become an even bigger force. With today’s game being so pitching dominant, getting on base via walks is a huge asset, and he’s done an excellent job improving on that. However, it’s the power numbers that you want out of Gattis, and he’s delivering in spades. With an 85-point improvement in his slugging so far, he’s showing that he can be a consistent performer for an always-struggling Braves offense.

We shall see if these five players continue to post strong results, or fade out as the summer months take their toll on teams. However, they remain five names to watch, something for fans to follow when their favorite teams aren’t in action or struggle through a lost season. Next time, I’ll try to look at some pitchers who may be going through a surge at 27. It works for them too!

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